Silence

Silence

            I sat at the table with her, in silence. I was smoking a cigar, we were waiting for our drinks, and the temperature was comfortable. It was a perfect temperature, not too hot and not too cold, just at the right level of warm. The sun was out, bright and shining, and the birds were chirping happily.

            “So what’s the occasion, to bring me out like this?” She said and smiled warmly at me, while playing with the ring on her hand.

            I smiled back, and said “Nothing in particular. Just wanted to treat you to something nice.”

            We fell back into a silence for a while after that. She was just enjoying my company, and I was preparing myself for what I had to do. It wouldn’t be easy, but it was necessary. The brought out the drinks, which resulted in a “Thank you.”

            We were sipping quietly, when I said “I need to tell you something.” I knew now that there was no return, I would never be able to undo this. So I told her. I dropped the bombshell that would burn a bridge to the ground, but open up a new one. I hoped it would be worth it.

“But why? Why would you do this now, now of all times?” She said.

            I took a long draw from my cigar, and decided not to answer. Sometimes not saying anything would bring out more of somebody than saying something.

            “Answer me, please. How could you do this to me?” She started crying and sobbing, putting her head into her hands.

            “Listen to me, it’s not anything in particular you did wrong. I’m just… not happy. I love you, Juliet, but I just can’t do this anymore.”

            “Don’t call me that, you know I hate it. Especially now.” I could tell I made things worse by saying that. At this point she was sobbing hystarically, making a scene. I had brought her to a nice resteraunt in order to soften the blow, and avoid something like this. I really wished that something like this wouldn’t happen.

            “Please, just listen. It’s not you, it’s-“

            “Oh don’t give me that excuse. Shut up, just shut up, I don’t want to hear your voice.”

            I realized at that moment just how unhappy she made me. She never did anything in particular wrong, but something about her just made me hate being around her. She brought my mood down, and held me back. I couldn’t go on anymore, if only she could see that.

            We sat in a tense silence, trying to ignore the tension in the air so thick I could cut it with my knife, then roll it up and smoke it. I was eating my food slowly, since I didn’t want to waste it. She wasn’t eating at all, but at least she had stopped crying.

            “Why aren’t you eating?”

            “Are you kidding me? It’s because I’m not hungry, since you just dropped that on me.” Then she started sobbing and crying again. Her eyes were all red and her face was wet, and I realized I didn’t even see her as beautiful anymore. When we first met she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen to me, no matter what. Now she just disgusted me.

            “I’m sorry.”

            “Oh shut up, no you’re not. You’re just saying you’re sorry because you want to seem better for people. That’s the only reason you ever say you’re sorry.”

            “Please, stop talking so loud. You’re drawing unneeded attention to us.”

            “So what if I draw attention to us? I don’t care anymore.”

            “But I do. If you ever loved me at all, please stop yelling.”

            “Oh, so now you’re pulling that card? I don’t care, I’m going to yell however much I want. I can yell if I want to, and I’m not going to let you guilt trip me into stopping.”

            I sighed and put my head in my hands. This wasn’t going nearly as cleanly as I had hoped. I really hoped for her to be understanding and take it better than this. I expected her to be upset, yes, but I didn’t expect anything like this. This was just so much, and I couldn’t handle it.

            “You know what? I don’t even care anymore.” She said, standing up. She put her right hand on her left, and swiped, a clinking sound followed shortly after. “I’m done, I hate you.” She said, and walked out.

            I sighed, and put my head in my hands. I shook my head back and forth. I didn’t regret what I did, but I did wish I had done it at home. It was all over in a few months, and as I was sitting at home years later, basking in the silence, when I remembered that incident. It turned out I was clinically depressed, causing me to be that way. I loved her and missed her, and still do even. I started crying as I remembered the moments we shared, and regretted my silence afterwards.