Memoirs of Paranoia

Memoirs of Paranoia

      

Entry one                                                                                                                     January first

            So, I’ve decided to start keeping a journal. My therapist told me it would be good for me, you know, with my problems. So, yeah. I guess I’ll start with something simple, like who I am.

Well, I am who I am. I’m a twenty two year old guy, have a few good friends, and I have no current significant other at the moment. I have a decent desk job which pays moderately well, and I have my bachelor’s degree. I’m a Cancer, and my regular palm reader says that I will live a happy and fulfilling life.

So, um, yeah. That’s about it for this week. To anybody who’s reading this, stay out of my journal. And if you don’t, I’ll find you! Haha, just kidding. But seriously, please try to stay out. So, I guess that’s it. Goodbye.

Entry four                                                                                            January twenty second

            Hey, me again. My therapy sessions are going well, and I think I’m really making some progress. Though, I think I’m getting sick from my medication, I wonder why that is. I mean, it’s bad. I threw up at work from it. Anyways, my week has been good other than that.

            For instance, me and my friends decided to go out and have some fun. Nothing illegal, but it was a fun time nonetheless. We just sat and talked for hours, nothing too bad. So yeah, that was a good time.

            You know, I think I’m getting better at this. At this rate, I’ll be cured in no time! Maybe I should get an exorcism like my mom suggested to speed this along. Oh well, I’ll think about it. Let’s see, what else happened this week…

            Oh yeah! I decided to put myself out there like my therapist suggested. I walked up to a girl who I didn’t know, and struck up a conversation. She was really nice, even though I was probably bugging her. She never did look up from her book, so I couldn’t have been bugging her that much.

            Well, that’s about it for now. Goodbye.

Entry six                                                                                           February fifth

            Yeah, um, it’s me again. I finally made the decision to get off my medication, so I’m proud of myself for that. I just got off this morning, I simply didn’t take it. I kept the pills though, just in case I need to take them again. Oh well, I’ll be fine. I won’t be sick anymore at least.

      I have no real other news. Goodbye.

Entry nine                                                         February twenty six

        I’ve finally figured it out. I’ve got why I was getting sick! They were poisoning me. They thought I was a danger to society. Well I’m not, and they’ll never poison me again. I got sick for a few days after getting off the medication, but that was just my body purifying itself. I was getting the poison out of my system. And after that, I haven’t been getting sick! But there are still so many other dangers. Especially to the girl I talked to, who I mentioned earlier in here. She’s in danger too, because she talked to me. I need to protect her. I’ve been waiting outside her house at night, even sleeping there to protect her. And I will. I will protect her, no matter the cost. I can’t get her out of my mind, I just can’t. I need to save her. They’ve been after me too, and I don’t know where they’ll strike from. Even my neighbors could be after me, I can’t know. I realized that they’ve been tracing me from my cellphone, so I got rid of that. They can also watch me from my tv. 1984? That wasn’t a fictional book, that was a warning. A warning to what the government is doing. And I’m the only one to have taken it. I smashed my tv, and threw it away. They can’t get me now!

Entry ten                                                                   March seventh

        I’m sorry for keeping such erratic journal entries, but I haven’t had time. The government must have gotten word that I’m protecting the girl, who will be now known as Francine to protect her identity. They must have gotten word, because the police showed up scanning the bushes. They then went into Francine’s house to question her, and she willingly let them in! It’s so sad to see such an uninformed person fall victim to them, especially one I care about. I looked in the window, but I couldn’t hear a thing. But she was very upset at what they were saying, because she was sobbing hysterically. I should try to comfort her, maybe I will. Anyways, it’s been pretty uneventful. They must be planning something big, they haven’t tried to attack me since the poisoning attempt.

Entry eleven                                                       March twenty ninth

        So, I tried to comfort Francine. She didn’t seem too happy to see me though, she pushed me away and screamed when I came up to her and hugged her. I wonder why she is so against us happening? I mean, I’ve been protecting her for over a month now, and she still doesn’t appreciate me. I wonder how I can make her appreciate me. I need her, and she needs me. We were meant to be together, it was destined. I mean, we’re both Cancers! That can’t be a coincidence. Well, I’ll find a way.

Entry twelve                                                               April eleventh

        I finally figured out a way to protect Francine and get her to appreciate me! I just need to find a way to get her to live with me, and she’ll be protected, I’ll be able to live comfortably, and she’ll learn to appreciate what I do and have done. Tomorrow, I’ll confront her and get her to come with me. By force if necessary. Anything goes when it comes to my love for her.

Entry thirteen                                                            April thirteenth

        So, yesterday I professed my love to Francine. I must have really made an impact, because her mouth slowly drooped open as I told her all I did for her, and how much I loved her! But for some reason, she was so happy that she started screaming. I couldn’t have that. I had to get her quietly, so the government wouldn’t find out. So I did all I could do, I took the chloroform I hid in my pocket and pressed it over her mouth. Luckily we were alone, or that would have looked really bad. Anyways, I now have her mouth, wrists, and ankles duct taped so she can’t escape before she realizes what I’m doing. I also have her in a locked closet. I do feed her and give her water, three times a day! I cook it myself as well. I’m sure that she’ll eventually thank me for it.

Entry fourteen                                                            April twentieth

        Francine hit me! I can’t believe it. I thought she had finally gotten to her senses, she even told me she had. But she hit me and tried to run. I had to chase her, I couldn’t let her get killed by them. But when I reached her, I tripped and fell on her. She hit her head on the table corner, and she hasn’t woken up yet. I’m afraid she’s in a coma.

Entry fifteen                                                                       May first

        I can’t believe it. Francine is dead. I checked for a pulse, and she died. I can’t believe this, how’d she die? Why did this happen to me? All I wanted to do was save her! I’ve taken twenty Nyquil, and by now I’m probably driving towards the bridge. This is my last journal entry. To anybody who’s reading this, stay out of my journal. And if you don’t, I’ll find you! Haha, just kidding. But seriously, please try to stay out. So, I guess that’s it. Goodbye.

Fields

Fields

With bare feet,

And a sullen look,

I tread across a field of grey.

Within defeat,

My hope they took,

And I drag on with eyes of dismay.

With bare feet,

And spirit broken,

I crawl across a field of glass.

Without the heat,

Of words unspoken,

There is no escaping a sorrowful past.

As I walk through the shadow,

Of a tree by my side,

Hands clasped in prayer,

And eyes to the sky,

I hope for a new day,

Dawning in my way,

So I may escape,

These fields that plague.

Flowers

Flowers

Flowers of embers,

Ashes of grey.

Buildings may fall,

Trees may sway.

Set fire to Earth,

And drown the sun.

And while destroying the hearth,

Know our time has come.

A new day dawning,

Which dawns in dismay.

Know my last warning,

It all ends today.

Hope

Hope

            Warmth. If I could describe this feeling in one word, it would be warmth. Warmth enveloping my heart, my soul, my mind. It stretched across every plane of my mentality, every level of depth inside of me. Every atom, every particle, everything inside of me was covered by this warmth.

            And through the warmth, I was given strength. My muscles revitalized, my step got a spring to it, my heart beat at a steadier pace. My warmth gave me strength, so in my warmth I would reside.

            Through the warmth and strength, I got confidence, confidence which boosted my spirit even more, bringing me to an all-time high in this all-time low.  Through my warmth, strength, and confidence, I was able to persevere.

Hope is warmth, strength, and confidence. Hope allows joy and tranquility in times of despair. Hope is never giving up, hope is never giving in. Hope is not an emotion per se, emotion is a choice. You can choose to either have hope, or despair. Choose wisely.

Tranquility

Tranquility

                            Tranquility. If I had to describe this feeling in one word, this would come closest. However, even though that one is closest, it is nowhere near close. Complete bliss, peace, tranquility; all of these totally and utterly fall short of what I am feeling.

                            Now then, if I were to describe this feeling it would be more something like this. Nothing. I felt nothing, heard nothing, saw nothing. I simply… was. It felt like I was floating in free fall, yet on solid ground. I heard the universe, yet all was silent. I saw the future, past, and present, yet nothing was there.

                            I felt a sensation creeping up my body. It was indescribable, as was the rest of this feeling, but this even more so. It was almost tingly, yet not quite. It was a warm cold, and a relieving pressure. I felt my heart sink into a slower and slower beating pattern, as my breathing became slower and heavier.

                            This simply was the best feeling I ever had felt. No love, no joy, nothing could compare to this. It was the single best thing to have ever crossed my mind in a cascade of wonderful emotion. It was an emotion, yet not. A feeling, yet not. Nothing on Earth could describe this, nothing.

                            It is a state of peace unachievable by any form of meditation, by any form of yoga. No amount of anything could bring this peace to you, except acceptance. That is the single thing that could bring this to you. Complete acceptance of everything. It was, is, and always will be, tranquility.

Joy

Joy

            At first I was in shock. I didn’t know what to say, or do, or even feel. I couldn’t believe what I had heard, I just couldn’t. It was amazing, it was fantastic, it was the best thing to have ever touched my ears.

            As the beautiful words cascaded down my ears, my stomach fell off the face of the Earth, only to jump back up again, with butterflies to boot. As they fluttered around, bouncing off the walls of my stomach, I felt my smile progress.

            It progressed from a smirk, to a half smile, to a crooked smile, to a full blown, ear to ear grin. My teeth were showing, the gap in the front two and all, but I didn’t care. I knew it would last all day, and wouldn’t leave.

            I walked away with a bounce in my step, a smile on my face, and love for life. I was still wrapping my mind around what had just happened. I couldn’t believe my ears it was so amazing. I loved everything and everyone right now.

            I felt like I was on crack the way I was feeling, just so unbelievably happy. It was the best feeling ever, it was better than drugs. It was simply joy.